Guest Post: The New Media Stockholm Syndrome

This is a guest post by Bradley Garwood, who never ceases to crack me up with his witty and bluntly honest reflections on the world. Thanks, Bradley!

I have a huge crush on Jennifer Garner.

Not so much fan page obsession, but I did find the strength to sit through Elektra - to which as a humanity, we can collectively agree deserved our Alan Smithee.

So I cracked open a new tab to IMDB, and searched for something with both a presence of Jennifer Garner, and that I wouldn't be embarrassed to say I actually watched. Certainly, -at least by chance- she's stumbled on to something with actual merit. With real feeling and good acting, and something no other show has brought me. Certainly, in some small capacity she's said yes to a project that's worth my time. What I found, was called Alias.

and it was not good.

I'm telling you there exists a television show with my biggest celebrity crush. With the woman whose touch could make me melt, wearing up to three or four different kinds of costumes every episode, and placing herself in every kind of sexually suggestive position you could imagine, just for the sake of my entertainment value. That my friends, deserves some kind of medal. 

jennifer garner
Originally uploaded by musticomtr

And what's so strange, is that this show is the pinnacle of awful. I mean, truly a horrible show, and that's no exaggeration. Any series that can use the keywords "is really your sister," "your mom's a double agent," and "she's really a clone" can be chalked up as dreadful. I'm not even going to bore you with examples of their post-9/11, fear-driven, American glorification. Nor the inclusion of the worst portrayal of a CIA hacker I could even imagine. Technical inaccuracies, soap-opera relationships, and historic sub-plots that would make even Dan Brown blush.

and trust me, I could go on.

So what's truly strange about the show, and the reason I'm writing this post, is that I've now since finished watched the series, in its entirety. Yes, five seasons at twenty-two episodes each, with a running time of forty-two minutes, that amasses at nearly seventy hours of viewing-time. That's a long time to dedicate to a show, even if you do really enjoy it. Even if the show is worth watching, seventy hours is a commitment. 

So with all of Alias under my belt, and a few months of cooling off time, I'm reaching a strange phenomenon not seen since the Buffy crowd re-popularized what the folks who watched Xena stole from Charlie's Angels.

I miss Alias. I miss Sydney Bristow. I miss that campy chick-that-kicks-ass.

I know, I know, I just spent all that time explaining how awful of a show it was, and I'm still vehemently urging you not to even consider starting the series. But what's so strange, is that after so much time given to such a horrific show, is that deep down I'm starting to miss it. I'm starting to miss having new stacks of discs to work through, and I've gone over in my head just what quality has led me to this strange new place. 

I watched the show after the series had finished its run on TV, so the element of "weekly cliffhangers" wasn't really a draw. And the atrocity that is that show's writing negated my lust for Garner, the sole appeal. So what am I left with? What's making me still want to watch the show? What strange feeling is in the back of my head, secretly urging me to download and rewatch some random episodes?

Am I alone in this?

Really though, I'm not one to waste time on horrible shows. If I suspect a series to be putting on a swim-suit, I don't stick around to see if it jumps the shark. So I'm curious to know if this is a common reaction to horrible shows amongst viewers. I mean, am I just that in love with Jennifer Garner, or am I a victim of some soft of new media Stockholm Syndrome? Does everyone have a little show that's their guilty pleasure? I want some answers. I want some data. I want proof that I'm not the only one.

I want research goddammit